A little death

As I wrote before, things around here are changing quite a bit. And what better way to ring in a new era than with a little death? Ends and beginnings and ends again, you know?

Oh don't be upset. It was a pet death. We haven't had one around here for quite some time. Not since our hamster Oreo Lazarus Strong broke free in our backyard and ran to a better life.

 I was fumbling around the kitchen Saturday morning, in a clumsy pre-coffee way, when I heard Chris yell from the basement.

PUMKIN'S DEAD!!!!

Only it was Mama Mia.

Poor Mama Mia. She laid down to sleep in her cage of filth and died in the night. As I was preparing myself for Bela and Mae's storm of sadness, I started to feel really uneasy myself.

 I have been semi-silently waiting for the mammals in our house to die. It's a cold and callous thing to say, but I have been. I'm tired of cleaning up all the poop. The pee. The cage. Taking care of so many aging animals.

But when she died I felt truly sad and sorry for her. Such a lonely death, it seemed. And the girls were sad too. But you know? Only for a minute.

Bela did the whole "Can we go get another guinea pig today?" routine. I said no way.

And the tears subsided slowly, we got on with our day - circus class, soccer game, sleep over. And it struck me: not only were they okay, they were kind of sort of cold and callous themselves.

There was a funeral. Mae wrote a note (a very sweet one that ended with "we loved you very much and that's why we chose to put you to sleep"), Bela did a google search for "Funeral Song" and came up with some weird pop song about breaking up. And sang it.

The girls and their friend painted a tomb stone, dressed for the occasion, held a ceremony. And that was it.

I watched them all day for signs of true sadness, and I couldn't find it. Had so many pet deaths made them immune to this? Was there something wrong with them? Why did Mae keep trying to dig Mama Mia up ? (She wanted to see her bones).

I was working in the front garden and found a big fat worm. Mae grabbed it, looked at it with her face all screwed up, and said in an evil little girl sort of way: "you're gonna die today!!!"

And proceeded to toss it to the chickens.

You missed the weird little funeral. But you can re-live part of it here.

Day 1

Do you know that feeling you get when you realize you made major decisions in your life without intending them to be major decisions?  Is that how most major decisions work? Do they sneak up on you? Do you make a decision, say, because you're a new mom, because you're a mom-to-be, because you just need to make a little extra money and provide your family with benefits like insurance... And then 10 years later you wake up and realize that, oops. That was one of those major life decisions. The kind that shape you for decades. And you made a huge, impactful, life-altering decision by choosing not to make a conscious decision?

Have I been watching too much Neil DeGrasse Tyson?

No matter. Today is day 1. MY day 1. New job. New me. And you know what? I made this one on my own. Not as a Mom, or someone who needed to insure her family, or as someone riddled with responsibility guilt. I just made it. 

So this is me on Day 1. And I'm a little scared, but feeling adventurous. And happy.