From my limited point of view, I answered the following: If our family had not contributed to the Christmas Fair at school back in December, no one would say: "Wow. Chris didn't even bake a quiche to donate." If we sent our kids to school in beat up clothes that never matched, no one would say: "Who is their father? Why does he dress them this way?"
They would, in fact, be asking about me. They would be questioning, if even secretly, my worth as a Mom. I don't think I'm overly paranoid. I think this is a fact of life--a cruel, uneven, unfair, disparaging analysis of the role of a mother.
But like I said, my point of view is often limited. Luckily, I am married to a man who challenges my point of view, even at the risk of his well-being. I was not considering the role that Dad Guilt plays in our lives at all.
Right now our conversations at home seem to center on where we'll send Bela to first grade. If you know anything about Chicago Public Schools, you know that it is damn near impossible to get your kids into the coveted Magnet schools. No matter if they are or are not better schools, they carry an image and that image manifests itself in copious quantities of applications for admission, lottery style.
Needless to say, Bela did not get in to any of those sought-after public (read, "free") schools last year, though we are exceedingly happy with her Waldorf school. Now, next year she will enter first grade and her time at her current school will come to an end. Do we fork over the large number of dollars to send her to the new Waldorf school in Pilsen? Or do we send her to our free neighborhood school, even though we will have to take her out of that school and move her to a different public school when we move in the next year or so?
We've sat around doing the math for weeks. The Waldorf school is tempting, and Bela really thrives in that environment. But on the other hand, we can come up with a pretty awesome list of things we could do with and for Bela with the money it would take us to send her to first grade.
Well, during these discussions, Chris pointed out something I hardly ever give any thought to, something as equally outrageous as the beliefs and judgments I base my "mom guilt" on: If we tell the school board that we have decided not to send Bela to Waldorf school for first grade because we can't afford it, they are not going to say - "Katie should really get a better job."
And there you have it. Dad guilt. Preposterous that a family's financial/parental worth boils down to the Dad's job. Automatically. I hadn't put much thought into it before, I'm always so busy moaning about how unfair perceptions of motherhood are at times.
PS - Another form of Dad guilt is taking hold in our home right now as well. Chris is an awesome photographer and gets the chance to travel a lot for his job. As a younger man (though he is still a young man) this held a lot of interest, excitement, and promise for him. Don't get us wrong! It still does. But right now he is packing for a 10 day trip that will take him to Cairo, Egypt; Paris, France; and Davos, Switzerland. The thrill of solo-traveling and nights spent alone in foreign lands in hotel rooms away from his girls has lost its appeal, and lucky for us he wants to be at home. I, on the other hand, am drooling with envy, and have slipped the names and addresses of a select group of parisian craft and yarn stores into his pocket. Along with some cab fare to get him there.
Safe travels, dear. I love you so much.
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